Confused

I just have to vent right now. I just feel so confused again. I know everyone goes through the hills and valleys and that awhile ago I talked about being in the valley, and I'm really not...I am so blessed! I have a great job for the next two years, I have a loving husband, none of my family is injured; they are all alive and healthy, I have a roof over my head, friends, food in my belly, but yet there is those things that you feel are so key to your happiness...feelings.

I know feelings lie. I know God tells us not to trust what we are feeling, because they are so fleeting, but sometimes I just can't seem to help it! I hate feeling like there is something wrong with me, critically wrong with me, like my brain doesn't work quite right or my body, like I'm missing an essential component of myself. My emotions have always run away with me, even when I was younger. I was always the crying teenager who never understood herself, but I thought I was past that. I know who I am in God. I know that I am unique, there is no one like me and God knit me together before I was born, with a purpose and a plan, if I wanted it. 

I get so jealous of Michael! Everything is so black and white for him. He just knows! He know what he wants or doesn't want, he knows what he likes or doesn't like. He can sleep at night (if I don't wake him! :-) and he never feels guilty, well, sometimes he does if he does something wrong, he never second guesses, he is not pressured. He is so sure, but he has never had to deal with what I have had to deal with. And I haven't even had to deal with as much as some people have.

He hasn't had to spend high school with no friends, be allergic to everything it seems, been left out of groups, couldn't barely breathe at times and had to be on medication, put on every restrictive diet there is only to find no cure, to have a million different people tell you that their faith/religion is correct and everyone else's is wrong, to the point you don't know what to believe, having to watch family members hurt and hurt themselves and others, wanting to die, wanting to give up the fight, only to find you wake up for another day, wanting to love God more, but not sure how to do it, having to forgive someone you love of some major issues that you weren't sure you could get past, but can't judge them for. I know this all sounds like a pity party but this is what this blog is for though too, for me to cry  and write what is on my heart, to let God bottle the tears, and to see him direct my writing back to His amazing love. I don't know how non-christians can go on if they feel like this, without a hope or a future. I don't know what I would have done without God in my life. He has been my lifeline, my support, the one thing I knew would be there when my life ends. I just wish he would be more clear!!

I guess this is more of a tribute to God then a rant, which is good, because it helps calm my anxiety. God, take my life and let it be, a reflection of you for the whole world to see. I love you Lord, and I pray that I can be a light to others and be used to glorify your name, Amen.