Easter 2016

We had a great Easter this year.  It reminded me of the Easter we had several years ago in Moab, when we were only 6 weeks pregnant with Carson.  That year, we watched the sun rise on Easter Sunday through Arches National Park.  It was so amazing.

This year, Carson got us up early and so we had time to go watch the sunrise from the top of a hill by our house.  It was so nice to sit there as a family and read the Easter story and watch the sun once again rise, by God's grace alone. Carson chomped on a muffin and kept saying "I want to see the run-rises!"  Baby girl kicked away in my belly.  Things seemed beyond perfect, how did we get to be so blessed?

Easter really is the MOST important holiday of the Christian faith.  Without Easter, there is no reason to even believe.  If God didn't rise from the dead like he said he did, our faith is meaningless.

At our Easter service, our pastor spoke about how God still moves boulders, back in Jesus's time, and even now. It was a great sermon, one which I have had to apply this week to remind myself that God is in control and everything is in His timing, but He is faithful.

After service, we went home for a little bit before driving down to south Denver to have Easter dinner with friends.  These friends also have food allergies so everything was safe and there was tons of food to eat for everyone.  It was a great time to spend with such amazing people to celebrate our faith.  He is Risen!!

Playing in the snow outside their house

Hunting for eggs

In Focus

I originally put this post up last week, but took it down because I felt convicted.  I wrote some very poignant things and I do not want to offend so I edited this one. Sorry for those that kept trying to read the last one! 

I feel like I am seeing my life with new lenses this week. This week has been very cleansing for me. Very busy and completely stressful, but the stress has not taken hold like it normally does.  It hasn't terrorized me, or caused me to lose sleep this time around.

And it is all because of a change in perspective.  I feel like I actually got to see my life in focus for once.  I can't believe how much I have been looking through the wrong lens.  Pardon all my analogies, but I just wanted to try to explain exactly what I have been feeling. And I have needed some time to process.

We were in a car accident on Saturday.  I know, Happy Birthday to me, right? :-)  It was very minor, and we were not at fault in any way.  We were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.  We were at a complete stop at a red light, waiting to turn when two cars decide they were going to run their respective red lights, one going straight, and one turning.  Their collision caused one of the cars to spin and to collide into my car, which held me (driving), Mike, and Carson in the back. There was just damage to the front of my car, and the drivers side door.  Everyone was okay, but it was still a scary experience. I felt like we all did great holding it together until Saturday night.  Mike has completely kept it together, but I had a melt down right before our date that we were supposed to have that Saturday night.

My biggest question was this...would I still be praising God and saying "Thank you Lord" if everything wasn't okay?  Mike and I did a lot of "you are so good, God!" "Thank you that no one was hurt!" But what if things hadn't turned out that way.  Three feet further and the truck would have hit my side, where Carson and I sit.  Could I still say "Thank You Jesus" if Carson was in a hospital bed? We were so lucky.  And it has caused me to look at the phrase, "God is good, all the time," in another way.  You normally always hear that phrase when you are going through something hard, and you resent it.  But this time, everything went good, and I realized that no matter what, "God is good" even if Carson or I had been hurt.  That doesn't change who God is.  BUT...it has opened my eyes to what really is important in life.  Every time I have looked at my husband or son this week, it has been with a clear lens, of how precious our time is here together, and how meaningless so many of the things we chase after are.

In life we focus so much on what doesn't matter.  So many people this week were depressed and just complaining about how the Broncos didn't win.  Sports don't matter, it is just a game to be enjoyed.  Food doesn't matter.  We are allowed to enjoy food, but it shouldn't consume us and take a place of idolatry in our lives.  I have struggled with this personally because of all the things I can't have, instead of rejoicing and saying, thank you Lord for the food I can eat.  There have been more times then I can count on my hands where I have let food take an unholy place in my life.  I have been angry, resentful, and a complainer.   The only thing I need is Jesus. Jesus survived for 40 days in the desert with just his Father God, so can I, not being able to eat cheese will not kill me, no matter how much sometimes it seems like it might.  Money, we are all chasing after this, and it will never be enough.  The more you make, the more you want.  Personally, as soon as it seems we get to a stable place, we only then focus on the next place, or the next thing we want to buy/do etc.   Appearances, this is a big one.  How I look, or how I look to other people.  Personal appearance, appearance of wealth, appearance of importance, etc.  Completely meaningless, God looks at the heart, he doesn't even see the surface.  (This absolutely doesn't mean we don't take care of ourselves, remember our flesh is a temple).  But if I spend way too much time caring about how I look or only caring about how I feel, which makes me very inefficient at caring for those around me.

Another lens that clicked into place this week was my own selfishness.  I felt I could clearly see myself, and how self I am. I want what I want, and I want to do things when I want to do them.  I want people to show grace to me, but all to often I withhold grace from those that I deem "unworthy." This new year I want to be a person of grace and a person of thankfulness. I want to love and accept freely, but I also want the courage to speak up.  I need to speak up when something wrong is occurring and I need to speak up and share the gospel!

I feel like so many other things have been working in my heart, but it would take days/pages to share everything, so I wanted to hit the big stuff.

Lord, thank you for the time I have here, and may I use it more wisely than I have in the past.  Thank you for everything. even the struggles and stresses, because I know those things are refining me and growing me.

What lenses are cloudy in your life?  What is out of focus?

Due Date

On this day last year, Michael and I were waiting, wondering if our little baby would decide to make his/her entrance into the world.  And this little babe kept us waiting, for five, long days.

Carson's due date was today, November 22nd of last year.  But he decided to make his entrance on the 27th instead.  So, technically, our little boy is already a year old.

This year has been one of the longest and shortest of my life.  I look back on the past year, thinking about the holidays last year and how they seem so long ago.  Yet, I close my eyes and I can imagine sitting with my hands on my swollen belly, wondering if our baby was a boy or a girl and what being parents would be like.

This year has changed me.  For the better, in some ways, but in some not so good ways as well.  This past year has taught me so much about love, grace, and perseverance.  I feel it has allowed some other traits to enter my psyche as well.  Traits that I would have rather left alone.  Bitterness, anger, and jealousy, three traits that would only descend for mere moments beforehand engulfed me in days sometimes this past year.

It is hard to watch someone you love suffer.  The feeling of being powerless as you hold that tiny infant as they cry, not knowing what is wrong and afraid to change their diaper because it once again may yield results that your baby is sick, and not like other babies.  The feeling of complete helplessness as you watch your baby scratch themselves until they bleed, knowing that child feels miserable and you have no idea how to help them.

But this past year, in all of its trials, yielded a blue eyed, blonde haired little boy, whose smile lifts even my darkest spirits and whose hugs have the power to melt away any sadness.

This past year, God taught me the true meaning of "My strength is made perfect in weakness" and "cast all your cares upon Me."  He taught me how to let go, and let Him.   He taught me about contentment and grace and I pray he will soften the bitter and angry areas of my heart.

I know they years will only continue to go faster.  That is the big question/statement everyone is asking me "the time goes by so fast, don't you miss that baby already?"  The answer is no, I don't.  I don't mean to sound callous or unloving, but I don't miss Carson as an infant.  Michael and I have a sort of PTSD from Carson.  Being first time parents to a child who required the care Carson did and dealing with the issues Carson faced has left us slightly stressed and disillusioned.  We are both finally in the stage of enjoying our son.  Not that we ever didn't love him, but dealing with a screaming baby who only slept for 30 minutes at a time was draining. And Michael and I are both fully aware of how lucky we are/were.  Many couples/families have had to deal with so much more then we did!

These are just some of the thoughts that have been mulling in my head today.  I can't imagine my life without Carson anymore.  I mean, I can imagine it, but I do not want to trade him for it.  Carson made me a mommy, and I pray almost every day that I can live up to that title.  I am happy, I am content.  Carson is not out of the woods with his allergies or eczema, but he is stable and Michael has helped me realize that I am doing the best I can, despite the feelings of failure I feel on a daily basis.

Being a mom is hard, by far the hardest thing I have had to do.  All you mommies out there, I send you tons of good mommy vibes!  You are all doing amazing.   :-)

 

Where's the Fun(k) Stuff?

This is how we feel too.  That lately this blog has just been a place for me to vent, not share any of our adventures.  Well, we haven't really been able to take any, but that needs to change!  Despite all that may be going on, we can still have fun and just enjoy life, which is what we are trying to do.

Michael and I have been actively trying to turn our focus out.  God has been working in our hearts that yes, this season of our lives is rough, and yes, it is busy.  Yes, we are sleep deprived, and it is stressful, but this is LIFE!  And we are missing out if we keep our eyes turned inward on our family and OUR needs.  There is a whole big world out there.

God has been reaching out to me with the promises of "my yoke is light, Sara, give it to me" and "my strength is made perfect in your weaknesses."  For the FIRST time in my life (I am almost ashamed of this) I understand these verses.  I know what they mean and I understand the gravity of the Lord's promises.  Carson may never outgrow his allergies or his eczema, but God is unchanging and he will give me the strength to carry on.  He already has!  More and more over the weekend my eyes were opened to God's goodness in all areas of my life, the first being...

My amazing family

I am blessed with an amazing husband and adorable son. I am blessed to be able to attend church on Sunday. I have a house to live in, food on the table, and friends and family to share these things with.  I have a good job and Carson has a good nanny.  We have been provided with all we need (notice I said need, not want :-).  

Because folks, life is hard.  Being sleep deprived is hard.  Eating only six foods for seven days is hard (I started another elimination diet, the Dr's don't think Carson's colitis or eczema are food related so I decided to give him one last shot to pin down any allergies, if any. The Doctor's basically said, be free, nothing you are going to do is going to help, formula probably won't help either, he's just sensitive). Working with only 5 hrs of sleep a night is hard.  Listening to your son scream for 20 min is hard, and having no idea what is wrong.  Being a mom is hard.  But you know what is getting harder?  Ignoring the call from the Lord on my heart, the call that I am too wrapped up in the "now" and that Michael and I need to reach out more. 

Want to hear a great God story, again.  Because we all need little reminders of just how BIG our God really is.  Michael and I went to a crab boil on Saturday hosted by our old church in Lakewood. We hadn't seen many of these people in well over a year and none of them had met Carson, so they were all excited for us to come.  Carson didn't nap in the car like he was supposed to before we go there (hour drive), so when we arrived he was already overtired.  He was also hungry, so the first thing I did was feed him in the car.  When we tried to take him out to meet everyone, he was fussy and just crying at all the people, he is not really used to large crowds like this, there was probably 60+ people there. I was emotionally and physically drained. Carson was fussy,  not sleeping, and I was hungry!  I had started an elimination diet on Monday, only consisting of turkey, grapes, apples, pears, carrots, and zucchini in one last attempt to try to clear up Carson's terrible eczema and seemingly upset tummy.  I wanted to eat at the crab boil.  I wanted a piece of chocolate cake and a beer.  I wanted to show off my laid back, easy baby that sleeps through the night.  I didn't really want to be there, surrounded by all the food and drink I couldn't have, surrounded by all the kiddos who don't have any allergies (if you have eczema, you are almost guaranteed to have other allergies, we are going to have to test Carson when he is older).  I was pretty much a wreck and I was tired of people telling me I looked tired.  Heck yes I looked tired, because my kid wakes up every 2-3 hrs thank you very much.  But God met me there, in the form of a woman named Mary.  Now Mary will never read this, nor will she probably know how God used her that day, but He did.  Mary ran a support group in her home for women with issues just like me and my baby.  Women whose baby's have blood in their diapers, or severe reflux, or any other gastro disease. She had walked where I was, telling me of stories of tears as her son couldn't seem to tolerate any food in her diet, to switching him to formula, only for him to stop eating altogether and become failure to thrive.  So much so that his brain stopped growing.  Stories of elimination diet after elimination diet, to finally figuring out his allergies.  Stories of ladies bonding together over what they all had to eliminate and finding one snack to share that they could all eat together and be normal.  Stories of being so hungry that she just wanted to give up, just wanted to cheat, and just wanted things to be different.  Once again, just like with Carson's creation, God reached down and picked me up.  He led me to the valley of still waters, He met me WHERE I WAS AT, in that horrible mood.  I feel like I have so many of these stories building up in my life.  They are like Ebeneezer stones I can look back on and see the hand of God. 

God used that crab boil to change both Michael and I.  He worked a miracle in both of our hearts that day. You see, Michael decided to support me in this elimination by walking through it with me.  I didn't want him to do the full elimination, because it technically isn't healthy (you start to add things back in quickly after you see results).  So we just had him do the Whole30 program basically, which is he cut out all grains, dairy, legumes, and sugar.  So he is basically eating what I eat, meat, fruit, and veggies, except he can eat nuts and seeds.  But going to that crab boil was hard for him.  He couldn't have beers with the guys, he couldn't have any of the sides or desserts and he really was struggling with it when we first got there.  I mean think about it, it is like going to your favorite restaurant with all your friends and not being able to eat anything there, and just watching everyone else eat. He wanted to leave, "this is not any fun" that is how we both felt.  But after I spoke with Mary and I met back up with Michael, God had spoken to his heart that, fellowship, means much more than food.  Food is for sustenance and if we are letting food and drink dictate our moods or our health, it is way too much of an idol in our lives.  We both had a great afternoon as we sipped water and Michael ate only crab and veggies and I ate my packed turkey burger, carrots and grapes. And I am still just amazed at the work God has performed my husband's heart.  To hear him being heckled by friends that he can't have a drink and being STRONG enough to fight for me and abstain just for me, only to give me some support, so that I don't feel alone.  Wow.  God is so good.   

 So thank you all for your patience as I walked through that difficult time.  It does not mean that more difficult times are not ahead, but I know my God is bigger than my current situation.  God will carry us through, God WILL sustain us.  To finally, fully, believe and understand this has been one of the biggest blessings of my life and I am so thankful that God has brought me to this place, even though I had to wade through a lot of muck and tears to get here.  

I can't wait to see what the Lord is going to do with our lives.  Or how He is going to work.  And for those of you going through rough times in there, hang in there.  Seasons of life are just that, seasons.  And sometimes seasons last longer than we'd like, but they do always change and/or end. 

Stay tuned for some photos of Carson's first pool party.  Pretty cute.  :-) 

Project Shelf

I'm obsessive.  I always have been and it is a serious fault.  Instead of letting things go, I obsess and obsess, and worry and think, and on and on and on, in a vicious cycle where I never win.  Thank goodness for God.  He always meets me right where I am at and has to constantly remind me to STOP.

Carson's eczema has flared up again, pretty badly.  I never thought I would be jealous of other babies.  I'm not really,  but when I see other little ones with their porcelain skin, it is hard for me to not feel a little resentful as I am rubbing lotion on my lobster baby for the third time that day, while contemplating if it is bad enough for the steroid cream.  My main source of my angst is not Carson's appearance, but how uncomfortable he is!  I would do anything to make the itching and rashes stop.  

God's "stop obsessing" came in the form of Michael a couple weeks ago.  He suggested I start a project to help me refocus. So, project shelf was born.  I had been wanting a shelf in my living room for awhile, and had been looking around for one that wasn't too pricey.  When Michael suggested I find an unfinished one, I knew just the one.  I had seen one at Hobby Lobby, and with the 40% off coupon you can download off their website, I bought the shelf.

Next was sanding.  This baby required a lot of sanding.  And while I was sanding it, I realized that I was not going to be able to make it look like the current furniture in our living room.  It was just too rough and there were too many defects in it.  I was going to have to think of something else.  So I decided to make it look rough and older.

I decided against a stain and using a primer and just went for the paint, so it would have a "rough paint" look instead of a "smooth paint" look.  I also decided not to use spray paint and went for a brush.  I actually used some paint we found in our basement.  I just LOVE how it turned out.

This little project was just what I needed to open my crafty side back up, which has lain dormant for six months since Carson came.  I'm back to thinking about sewing projects and have been making homemade cards again.  It feels good.  Whenever I get too obsessive I have a reminder now as well.  I can look at that shelf and remember to let go, breathe, give whatever it is to God, and move on to the next project.  :-)

Hiking and Contemplating

Sunday was a beautiful day in Colorado.  I knew I had to get out for a hike, and Mike deserved a much needed bike ride.  So we loaded up the kiddo and drove to a trail called Matthew's Winters and Michael mountain biked while I hiked.  Hiking by yourself always gives you so much time to think.  I mean, I wasn't all by myself, I had Carson with me, but he isn't great conversation yet.  :-)

I thought about Carson and what else I could do to help his issues.  I just feel so bad for my poor baby.  He has had a rough start for sure.  I thought about how I could help him sleep and nap longer.  Why does this diet help, but not clear up the issues with his stomach and skin?  When can I start eating everything again? And I prayed for these things.

I thought about my husband and his job.  Will his commute every get better?  I though about how he is trying to help me more with Carson and other home/life things, and I just don't know how to tell him what I need.  I thought about his future, our future, what did that look like?  I prayed for these things.

I thought about the book I am reading which I feel is changing me, changing my mind, changing my life.  This book is honestly asking me if I am living like knowing Jesus is enough for me.  If I had nothing else, would Jesus be enough?  It caused me to think about how selfish I am, and how narrow minded I am.  I'm in no way living like Jesus is enough.  I like my house, job, savings account, and my 401k, I put security in these temporary things.  I thought about Utah and how I could not seem to rise above my current circumstances while I was there.  I was always wanting to be back in Colorado.  Did I move us back early because I was unwilling to make Jesus my one true priority?  If I had lived my life more for Christ, could I have let go and been happy there?

I thought about what I would like in the future.  I really want to live closer to the mountains. Yes, we lived so much closer in Utah, but I want to live closer in Colorado. Is it wrong to save up for this plan, knowing we will waste money that could be spent elsewhere?  Why can I never seem to be content with my current circumstances?

Whew, maybe a little too much thinking.  But not enough praying.

He loved the stream, I wish I could have let him splash in it but it was too cold. 

Like this stream, life is every flowing, ever changing.  The landscapes of our lives our similar.  Even though the stream is consistent, it may flood, causing massive damage to the landscape.  But is it really damage?  Maybe it is just change?  I think my idea of change is that it is bad.  Maybe all these floods in my life are just shaping the flow of my life and they had to happen.  I beat myself up so often for decisions I have made which I felt were wrong.  Maybe they weren't wrong after all.  Maybe they needed to happen to my landscape.

Sorry for all the metaphors and deep posting.  I'm just feeling at a loss with so much of my life right now.  I like to control things, and I definitely don't feel in control right now. I can't seem to help my boy, I can't seem to help my husband, and I can't even help myself because what I really need is some sleep and de-stressing, which my little one is not great about letting me have. Gotta chalk this one up to God, He is getting me good.  Right where it hurts, in my control arena.  Take away my control and I am like a whiny toddler, demanding things from God.  

I know we all have areas we struggle.  But the take home message is this:

Jesus is enough and He doesn't change.  He is consistent and always there, no matter what changes we are going through. And sometimes, we should all do a little less thinking, and a lot more praying.  :-)      

On being broken...

Michael and I hit rock bottom this week.  I can't explain to you how emotionally draining it is to have your little boy have an irritated tummy, then get a fever and be sick, where you can't set him down.  All of this on top of you having a fever and being sick, and your husband having to work and still recovering.  We were both exhausted, run down, and stressed out to the max.  Life issues, job woes, big decisions...they all come crashing at once, leaving you frustrated, angry, and crying out for some peace. Harsh words, many questions, and lack of sleep are a mix for total disaster.

I'll admit I was mad at God.  Why is he letting all these things happen to us?  Why would he let us move to Utah if he knew this was the outcome? Why can I see 10 kids get their vaccinations and have no issues, and yet my son seems to have reacted so badly?  Why do so many people have good jobs they love and my husband has to work so hard for no recognition and little compensation?

And God lets the anger pass.  He let's you get a place of complete brokenness, because it is then he knows we will listen.  That place of extreme exhaustion where you have no choice but to relinquish control to Him, because you can't go on anymore.  Those are hard places to be, and they aren't fun, but how else do we grow?  Unless we are tried and tested, how do we get learn?  Christianity paints this unrealistic picture of a perfect life as a Christian.  You have a good job, happy family, and white picket fence.  But the only thing that makes a Christian different from anyone else is that they are saved.  They still have to trudge through the muck of everyday life like everyone else, dealing with disease, finances, and relationships.

I know God uses every situation for good.  We have to learn to honor Him and be joyful and content no matter the situation. We still may not understand why things happen, I'm sure Paul constantly wondered why God let him be in jail so much, but God's view of our lives is so much bigger than our own. I'm still not 100% at peace with everything that is going on, but God is in control, even when it doesn't feel like it.  I am comforted by a faith nugget once told me by a wise lady in Fort Collins.  I remember her telling me, "Sara, God uses shepherds and sheep for so many examples in the bible.  Well, when the shepherds are done feeding their sheep in the area, what is left?  Desolate ground and manure, not a pretty picture.  But God uses that manure to fertilize the ground and let the trees, grass, and flowers grow to new beauty.  See, God can take sh-t and use it to turn an area into something beautiful.  This is what He can do with our lives and situations.  It may seem sh-tty, but God can use that to grow something beautiful out of that situation."  (I'm paraphrasing :-)

Whew, life can be exhausting.  I wonder what God is going to grow out of our situation?

This morning I ate my gluten free hot cereal and a banana while staring at my precious little boy.  This little boy whose body is 99.5 and is fighting his hardest to beat a fever.  This little boy whose tummy is irritated by something and is bleeding.  As a mother, it breaks your heart, and you would do anything to fix it.  I can't make the fever go away, but I can hopefully help fix his tummy.

Which is why I am eating gluten free hot cereal. Yesterday I cut out all eggs, beef, soy, gluten, and almonds from my diet in addition to dairy in a desperate attempt to get the blood in Carson's diapers to stop.  His pediatrician is strongly pushing formula on him, which we know is not any better than my milk.  So we need to figure out what could possibly be making him irritated. We have two weeks until his next Dr.'s app where the doctor has plainly told us that we should put him on formula if he isn't better by then.

If you would have asked me to cut all those things out a year ago I would have said "heck, no!" No eggs for breakfast?  No yogurt? I was willing to cut out gluten to feel better but not all these things at once.  It makes for a very basic diet of meat and veggies (minus beef because some infants with milk protein allergies have cow protein allergies, gotta not eat the whole cow!).  But this time around, it sucks, but I look into the face of my son and it is all worth it.

I went to the store last night and loaded up on things I could eat.  Michael and I are going to spend Saturday morning cooking up a whole bunch of food for me, so that I have quick meals to grab out of the fridge.  I am invited to a going away party brunch on Saturday, and although I am disappointed I can't eat any of the muffins, eggs, or pancakes, I am excited at the prospect of figuring out exactly what Carson's allergy is.  After we get the blood to go away, I can start introducing things back in one at a time and see if he has a reaction or if the blood returns. Hopefully he will not be allergic to everything I am currently cutting out. It is so frustrating though, because I am needing to return to work in a week and all the milk I had stored is now useless.  For now anyway, if he grows out of these allergies around six months, I could use it again.

Worst case scenario is that we still see blood in two weeks, which means I need to cut corn, all forms and maybe coconut, citrus fruits, and chocolate.  Hopefully, he will clear up in a week and we can start introducing things back in so we can find the reactive food.

I feel like our family has been put through the ringer with all that is going on.  It is hard to count the blessings among the struggles. But we are blessed.  Carson is getting better, he does not have RSV (Hallelujah!), jobs come and go, we have each other, and we have our faith, however small that faith may seem sometimes.  Brokenness will not last forever.

Repeat after me, "one day at a time"...

The Holidays

I feel like the holidays are just passing us by this year and I love this time of year!  I don't want it to just race by.  Don't get me wrong, I love having our little boy, but his birth during this time of year has fast tracked the holidays.  We missed Thanksgiving, and now Christmas is almost here.  I don't have presents, or stuff for stockings.  I haven't been able to make any Christmas cookies or sit and drink hot cocoa with my hubby.  Getting a tree took a backseat.  We just bought a 3 ft pre-lit tree from Walmart and put it on a coffee table. But then I have to remember...

Those things aren't what Christmas is about.  The holidays aren't about the presents, the cookies, the traditions, or the tree.  It is about a birth just like mine.  The birth of a beautiful baby boy.  Except that baby boy wasn't Carson Michael Funk, it was the Son of God.  It is amazing to review the Christmas story now that I have had a baby and I have kissed the pudgy cheek of a newborn.  I'm sure Mary did that to Jesus.  And Christ chose to come as a baby?  It is mind boggling, really. 

Yes, I love the lights, decorations, and holiday baking.  But the whole reason for this season is to be thankful and to celebrate the birth of our Lord.  I had kind of forgotten about that.  Michael and I have so much to be thankful for this year, and to celebrate!  We have a beautiful son, who is healthy and whole.  I am healing and recovering well and should be back to normal soon, we have a roof over our head and currently have jobs that provide for us.  We have food in the pantry, family that loves us, and an awesome marriage.  We are blessed.

This year the house may not be decorated well, the tree may be small, and no Christmas goodies are being made, but that doesn't mean that Christmas isn't coming.  Everyone was so right when they said a newborn will leave you with no time for anything.  It has been humbling to sit back and realize that some of the things I felt were so important around the holidays really aren't, and that they mean nothing in the grand scheme of life.  I know when Carson gets older we will get to bring some of these fun traditions back, but this year we are just figuring it out.

I wonder if this is how Mary felt?  Overwhelmed, scared, in awe, amazed, and completely in love.  Who knew you could feel so many emotions at one time.  Thank you Jesus for coming back to save us.  Thank you for allowing us the precious gift of children.  Having Carson has opened up my eyes and heart to understanding the love of God more, and realizing how much I cannot control.  Everything is in God's hands, and I'm okay with that.  This Christmas is going to be special in its own way, even if I didn't get to make frosted ginger men.  This year, I get to kiss the pudgy cheek of my newborn son, and think about the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ, and ponder all these things in my heart, just as Mary did.

Remember the REAL reason for the season.

Sunsets and Waves

As you all know by now, I travel for work sometimes.  Sometimes I get to travel to nice, pretty places.  And sometimes I don't...

But last week I did get to go somewhere pretty, all the way to Brunswick, Georgia, right on the coast.  I got to see the ocean and hear the waves again.  There is something so soothing about hearing waves.  I can't explain it.

I spent each night I was there (two nights total) at St. Simon's Island and watched the sun go down both nights.

See the lighthouse in the background?

There is also something about sunsets that makes you ponder and reflect.  With my fairly recent health news and other life situations, it gave me a good time to just think.  And thinking while looking at a sunset?  Well, how could God not enter into your thought process.  Some days God just feels so far away, and such an abstract concept, but then you see a sunset and you can't help but see the majesty of God and the feeling that something bigger than you could ever understand is working in this world.

When Megan died last year, I spent a lot of time asking God, "why?"  Much like a little child.  I felt like I stepped back into that "why" box again with all of the issues with my health.  "Why God?, What is the purpose of Megan getting cancer or me not being able to own a dog, deal daily with stomach pain, or lose my thyroid?"  How are these things a part of his master plan?  Well, they are.  I know that, it is just hard to accept it sometimes. Are these things supposed to bring us closer to God?  Megan was so close to God in her last days.  You could hear it when she spoke and see it in her face.  Do I have that courage to accept and embrace what God has called "good" for me in my life, trusting Him no matter what, or at what cost?  I feel like I may not be there quite yet, but I want to be.

I have been reading Acts for Bible Study and over and over again the disciples are threatened, kicked out of places, beaten, and yet over and over again we read about how they had joy in the Holy Spirit.  I'm starting to really understand what it means to have joy, versus being happy.  You think you know the difference, but it is very hard to distinguish.  Joy is so different from just being happy.  A latte makes me happy, jeans that fit make me happy, chocolate makes me happy, but those things cannot give me joy.  Joy is not something you can make, it has to be given.  At least this is what I believe.  You won't find any references on this, this is my own personal musings.  I want to have the Joy from the Lord, that cannot be quenched by our silly human problems.

Yep, the ocean and sunsets really makes you assess your priorities in life.  I seem to fall away from what is important so often.  If I do not have the Love of God and a relationship with Christ, I really have nothing.  Thank you Lord for giving me everything I need, and for saving me.        

God's Timing is the only timing

Timing. I feel like it is human to want things to happen on our time, when we want it, and how we want it. But that isn't the way it works. Everything is God's timing, even if we don't understand or know why things are happening.

Moving to Idaho in the middle of me trying to finish my thesis was [what I thought] horrble timing. I had to spend two months living apart from Michael. I had to sleep in a bed not my own and not have some of the things I wanted/needed in Fort Collins. Michael was trying to make it completely on his own in Idaho, working crazy long hours. "Geez God, couldn't you have planned that better, so Michael would have gotten the job after I graduated. So Michael and I wouldn't have had to go through that and stress our marraige like that?" God says, my timing is perfect

I assumed I would graduate, job in hand, ready to attack the professional world. Nope, I have been looking for three months with only a nibble. And the nibble was for a job 3.5hrs away from my husband. Nope, not doing that again, no living apart anymore. God says, my timing is perfect, I know the plans I have for you 

I have been so lonely up here. Staying by myself most of the day, not knowing any other girls at all. Not having a chance to really meet any besides church. Asking God why is it that at church I am only meeting women who are much older than me, or have children already? God says,  my timing is perfect, open your mind to what these women can give

I have been watching Michael work so hard and get so burnt out! I can't imagine waking up at 4am to drive an hour to work, work 11hrs solid (only a 15min lunch), and then drive home, only to wake up and do it again. It breaks my heart to see him so exhausted and stressed, not ever being able to feel a sense of accomplishment or feel like he is caught up. God says, my timing is perfect, my strength is made perfect in your weakness

I have been amazed at how God is working in the midst of it all. Because of his timing, several things have happened lately:
   1) Michael and I have been growing stronger in our marraige and with God. We have been searching God in our marraige in ways I never imagined. We have both been humbled and are seeking God, where I realize before we were seeking our own gain. We have both had to come forward and rely on strength not our own.
   2) We have been trying to sell our jeep on and off for about a year. We finally felt like it was time to put it up for sale again, this time, it was something we both thought we should do, it just felt different, at least I know it did for me. And we sold it in 5 days for cash. Before we had it listed for months and would only have a handful of people look at it and lowball us. We soldit to a couple who desperately needed a vehicle. They are living in the Ronald McDonald house right now and we knew God had planned for us to put the jeep for sale right when their car broke down and they were stranded in Spokane.
   3)  Michael and I have been so blessed by the "older folks" in our life group. We joined a life group of four couples, us and three couples aged 40s and above. Two of the couples are retired. We have learned so much and clicked so well! We love these people and genuinely look forward to life group every Sunday, we just love it! And this was after we were disappointed to not join a life group that was more "our age group and place in life." The same goes for me in the women's bible study. I have been learning so much and gaining so much insight on what I can do at this season now in my life.
   4) God literally threw me a part time job. Not offered, actually just handed it to me with no work on my part. I walked into the store pier 1 and was just browsing, imagining how one day when I owned a house it would be cool to have it decorated with some of their interesting motiffs. The lady who came to ask if I needed help was the store manager and after a brief interaction she offered me a job. Not only did she offer to hire me, no interview or looking at my resume, she complied with all my wishes to not work Sundays or Mondays (the days Michael has off) or evenings (so I can be with Michael). I start on Saturday morning after training today. Now I won't be so lonely at home, I get out of the house, and I get to meet other women/girls around my age and have someone to talk to other than myself.

I've seen all these interesting things happen lately, and feel a sense of peace that God is definitely working. We would love to settle down and buy a house, stop moving and renting, actually think about the future, plan visiting family, everything in our lives seems so up in the air, but we know in God's timing, everything will turn out as it is supposed to. We would like Michael to get promoted quickly so his stores will be half an hour away from each other instead of 1-3hrs, but again, God's timing is perfect. I would like to be working at an industrial hygiene job, working off my year long obligation to the government for helping me with school and it still rings true, God's timing is perfect.

I just pray that Michael and I will always be learning and seeking what God has to teach us through the tough times. It makes me even more happy that I know Christ and am a Christian. Trying to figure out life without God makes no sense, there is no hope, you don't have a Heavenly father to run to who you know has your best interests at heart. Thank you, those of you who read through my musings today. Remeber...

God's Timing is Perfect