Due Date

On this day last year, Michael and I were waiting, wondering if our little baby would decide to make his/her entrance into the world.  And this little babe kept us waiting, for five, long days.

Carson's due date was today, November 22nd of last year.  But he decided to make his entrance on the 27th instead.  So, technically, our little boy is already a year old.

This year has been one of the longest and shortest of my life.  I look back on the past year, thinking about the holidays last year and how they seem so long ago.  Yet, I close my eyes and I can imagine sitting with my hands on my swollen belly, wondering if our baby was a boy or a girl and what being parents would be like.

This year has changed me.  For the better, in some ways, but in some not so good ways as well.  This past year has taught me so much about love, grace, and perseverance.  I feel it has allowed some other traits to enter my psyche as well.  Traits that I would have rather left alone.  Bitterness, anger, and jealousy, three traits that would only descend for mere moments beforehand engulfed me in days sometimes this past year.

It is hard to watch someone you love suffer.  The feeling of being powerless as you hold that tiny infant as they cry, not knowing what is wrong and afraid to change their diaper because it once again may yield results that your baby is sick, and not like other babies.  The feeling of complete helplessness as you watch your baby scratch themselves until they bleed, knowing that child feels miserable and you have no idea how to help them.

But this past year, in all of its trials, yielded a blue eyed, blonde haired little boy, whose smile lifts even my darkest spirits and whose hugs have the power to melt away any sadness.

This past year, God taught me the true meaning of "My strength is made perfect in weakness" and "cast all your cares upon Me."  He taught me how to let go, and let Him.   He taught me about contentment and grace and I pray he will soften the bitter and angry areas of my heart.

I know they years will only continue to go faster.  That is the big question/statement everyone is asking me "the time goes by so fast, don't you miss that baby already?"  The answer is no, I don't.  I don't mean to sound callous or unloving, but I don't miss Carson as an infant.  Michael and I have a sort of PTSD from Carson.  Being first time parents to a child who required the care Carson did and dealing with the issues Carson faced has left us slightly stressed and disillusioned.  We are both finally in the stage of enjoying our son.  Not that we ever didn't love him, but dealing with a screaming baby who only slept for 30 minutes at a time was draining. And Michael and I are both fully aware of how lucky we are/were.  Many couples/families have had to deal with so much more then we did!

These are just some of the thoughts that have been mulling in my head today.  I can't imagine my life without Carson anymore.  I mean, I can imagine it, but I do not want to trade him for it.  Carson made me a mommy, and I pray almost every day that I can live up to that title.  I am happy, I am content.  Carson is not out of the woods with his allergies or eczema, but he is stable and Michael has helped me realize that I am doing the best I can, despite the feelings of failure I feel on a daily basis.

Being a mom is hard, by far the hardest thing I have had to do.  All you mommies out there, I send you tons of good mommy vibes!  You are all doing amazing.   :-)