Our neighbor Harry died last night. Highway Harry as we all called him. He was a such a great man. He was so great to me and Mike, always. Very understanding and kind, as well as funny and stubborn. I would always go visit him and he would always give us food to eat. It seemed fitting that on Monday this week for passover, we ate a lamb roast that Harry gave to us. It was the night we were told he was in the hospital too.
He was older, and had been having problems for awhile, but it is still a shock. I think it is hitting Mike today, but it hit me hard last night. I thank God I was able to get Harry a card yesterday and I was told that they read it to him. I was told no visitors, but then later found out visitors were okay, so I was kicking myself for being at the hospital and not even trying to go upstairs and say goodbye. I feel like that is the worst, one minute someone is here, the next, their gone.
When someone dies, the first thing you wonder is where they went. Harry and I vaguely talked about religion. He was Catholic and only He and God knows where he stood. I hope he's in heaven and that I get to see him again one day! He is probably creating a huge ruckus up there now. I also wonder about life and death though. We come to this earth to live, then die...the end. I know heaven and a life with Christ. But I wonder then...why this life first. From a christian worldview this life is where we get to choose jesus and if we want a personal relationship and to spend eternity in heaven with him. I then question why God does that. I know he wants us to choose to love him...but if he already knows who will choose to love him, why all the suffering and pain in this life. Then we could be in heaven with Christ to begin with. I know I have a lot to learn, and I hope God is being patient and merciful while I am questioning Him, but I am starting to really not understand the purpose of a 'human' life. Satan had a choice in heaven, why can't we?
Then after all the questioning, i'm left with "what's the point." We go to work all day in mostly meaningless jobs and careers, to make money to live, live, then die. I know, there is good stuff in between, but heaven is supposed to be so much better than earth! We are supposed to want to be there! Why is it that some peoples lives are so much easier here than others, with the same end results. I guess that last sentence may not be accurate. It may seem that they have an easier life, and it may seem that they get the same end result but we don't really know.
Okay, that is my hurting rant. I know God is gracious and holy and that He created this world. I may not understand everything, and I know I never will, but I am still choosing to trust in Him and His decisions, timing, and Word. And honestly, what else do we have, what is the alternative? A "me" centered universe where this is my one chance to have a good time and do what I want? Tell that to someone starving in Africa. I doubt they would share opinions. I think we are just clouded with a dangerous societal view on life and its meaning, but that doesn't make it any easier to think in a Christian worldview with that around you.
I know there are things everyone wants in life. Life...so short really. But look at how only one life can change things. Names like Hitler, Nelson Mandela, Jesus (not that Jesus is in the same category) have had severe implications on our history. I think my husband stated it perfectly last night when I was so upset and wondering what the point was, he said, "I think the point is living your life and trying to touch as many other lives as possible." Wow, talk about deep. And true. God never did say that life here would be fun and easy or without hardship and death. It is the American selfishness that says, "life is for the pursuit of MY happiness, who cares what happens to everybody else." Then you get to Harry's age, and realize you don't have much time left and just think back on all things you did, not on how many lives were bettered because you were born.
That is encouraging to me. it doesn't stop me from wanting to "do" things like traveling, going out and doing fun stuff, but it makes me realize the shortness of it all. I would hate to one day look back on all the "fun" stuff I had done, realizing that I can't do it anymore, and then not knowing what to do with myself, realizing I should have spent more time on relationships or people, whose legacy will last and carry on much longer than our own memories.
I believe life is both a gift and a curse. We are in these frail bodies that feel pain, sadness, fear, despair, but we also have the gift to feel happy, joyful, loved. Then when we get to heaven, there will be no more pain or suffering, or not understanding!!
Goodbye Harry. I will never forget you for all the fun times and food for those first 9 months of my marriage. You were the best neighbor ever! I hope you are at the feet of Jesus.
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