Michael and I hit rock bottom this week. I can't explain to you how emotionally draining it is to have your little boy have an irritated tummy, then get a fever and be sick, where you can't set him down. All of this on top of you having a fever and being sick, and your husband having to work and still recovering. We were both exhausted, run down, and stressed out to the max. Life issues, job woes, big decisions...they all come crashing at once, leaving you frustrated, angry, and crying out for some peace. Harsh words, many questions, and lack of sleep are a mix for total disaster.
I'll admit I was mad at God. Why is he letting all these things happen to us? Why would he let us move to Utah if he knew this was the outcome? Why can I see 10 kids get their vaccinations and have no issues, and yet my son seems to have reacted so badly? Why do so many people have good jobs they love and my husband has to work so hard for no recognition and little compensation?
And God lets the anger pass. He let's you get a place of complete brokenness, because it is then he knows we will listen. That place of extreme exhaustion where you have no choice but to relinquish control to Him, because you can't go on anymore. Those are hard places to be, and they aren't fun, but how else do we grow? Unless we are tried and tested, how do we get learn? Christianity paints this unrealistic picture of a perfect life as a Christian. You have a good job, happy family, and white picket fence. But the only thing that makes a Christian different from anyone else is that they are saved. They still have to trudge through the muck of everyday life like everyone else, dealing with disease, finances, and relationships.
I know God uses every situation for good. We have to learn to honor Him and be joyful and content no matter the situation. We still may not understand why things happen, I'm sure Paul constantly wondered why God let him be in jail so much, but God's view of our lives is so much bigger than our own. I'm still not 100% at peace with everything that is going on, but God is in control, even when it doesn't feel like it. I am comforted by a faith nugget once told me by a wise lady in Fort Collins. I remember her telling me, "Sara, God uses shepherds and sheep for so many examples in the bible. Well, when the shepherds are done feeding their sheep in the area, what is left? Desolate ground and manure, not a pretty picture. But God uses that manure to fertilize the ground and let the trees, grass, and flowers grow to new beauty. See, God can take sh-t and use it to turn an area into something beautiful. This is what He can do with our lives and situations. It may seem sh-tty, but God can use that to grow something beautiful out of that situation." (I'm paraphrasing :-)
Whew, life can be exhausting. I wonder what God is going to grow out of our situation?
This morning I ate my gluten free hot cereal and a banana while staring at my precious little boy. This little boy whose body is 99.5 and is fighting his hardest to beat a fever. This little boy whose tummy is irritated by something and is bleeding. As a mother, it breaks your heart, and you would do anything to fix it. I can't make the fever go away, but I can hopefully help fix his tummy.
Which is why I am eating gluten free hot cereal. Yesterday I cut out all eggs, beef, soy, gluten, and almonds from my diet in addition to dairy in a desperate attempt to get the blood in Carson's diapers to stop. His pediatrician is strongly pushing formula on him, which we know is not any better than my milk. So we need to figure out what could possibly be making him irritated. We have two weeks until his next Dr.'s app where the doctor has plainly told us that we should put him on formula if he isn't better by then.
If you would have asked me to cut all those things out a year ago I would have said "heck, no!" No eggs for breakfast? No yogurt? I was willing to cut out gluten to feel better but not all these things at once. It makes for a very basic diet of meat and veggies (minus beef because some infants with milk protein allergies have cow protein allergies, gotta not eat the whole cow!). But this time around, it sucks, but I look into the face of my son and it is all worth it.
I went to the store last night and loaded up on things I could eat. Michael and I are going to spend Saturday morning cooking up a whole bunch of food for me, so that I have quick meals to grab out of the fridge. I am invited to a going away party brunch on Saturday, and although I am disappointed I can't eat any of the muffins, eggs, or pancakes, I am excited at the prospect of figuring out exactly what Carson's allergy is. After we get the blood to go away, I can start introducing things back in one at a time and see if he has a reaction or if the blood returns. Hopefully he will not be allergic to everything I am currently cutting out. It is so frustrating though, because I am needing to return to work in a week and all the milk I had stored is now useless. For now anyway, if he grows out of these allergies around six months, I could use it again.
Worst case scenario is that we still see blood in two weeks, which means I need to cut corn, all forms and maybe coconut, citrus fruits, and chocolate. Hopefully, he will clear up in a week and we can start introducing things back in so we can find the reactive food.
I feel like our family has been put through the ringer with all that is going on. It is hard to count the blessings among the struggles. But we are blessed. Carson is getting better, he does not have RSV (Hallelujah!), jobs come and go, we have each other, and we have our faith, however small that faith may seem sometimes. Brokenness will not last forever.
Repeat after me, "one day at a time"...
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