Hiking and Contemplating

Sunday was a beautiful day in Colorado.  I knew I had to get out for a hike, and Mike deserved a much needed bike ride.  So we loaded up the kiddo and drove to a trail called Matthew's Winters and Michael mountain biked while I hiked.  Hiking by yourself always gives you so much time to think.  I mean, I wasn't all by myself, I had Carson with me, but he isn't great conversation yet.  :-)

I thought about Carson and what else I could do to help his issues.  I just feel so bad for my poor baby.  He has had a rough start for sure.  I thought about how I could help him sleep and nap longer.  Why does this diet help, but not clear up the issues with his stomach and skin?  When can I start eating everything again? And I prayed for these things.

I thought about my husband and his job.  Will his commute every get better?  I though about how he is trying to help me more with Carson and other home/life things, and I just don't know how to tell him what I need.  I thought about his future, our future, what did that look like?  I prayed for these things.

I thought about the book I am reading which I feel is changing me, changing my mind, changing my life.  This book is honestly asking me if I am living like knowing Jesus is enough for me.  If I had nothing else, would Jesus be enough?  It caused me to think about how selfish I am, and how narrow minded I am.  I'm in no way living like Jesus is enough.  I like my house, job, savings account, and my 401k, I put security in these temporary things.  I thought about Utah and how I could not seem to rise above my current circumstances while I was there.  I was always wanting to be back in Colorado.  Did I move us back early because I was unwilling to make Jesus my one true priority?  If I had lived my life more for Christ, could I have let go and been happy there?

I thought about what I would like in the future.  I really want to live closer to the mountains. Yes, we lived so much closer in Utah, but I want to live closer in Colorado. Is it wrong to save up for this plan, knowing we will waste money that could be spent elsewhere?  Why can I never seem to be content with my current circumstances?

Whew, maybe a little too much thinking.  But not enough praying.

He loved the stream, I wish I could have let him splash in it but it was too cold. 

Like this stream, life is every flowing, ever changing.  The landscapes of our lives our similar.  Even though the stream is consistent, it may flood, causing massive damage to the landscape.  But is it really damage?  Maybe it is just change?  I think my idea of change is that it is bad.  Maybe all these floods in my life are just shaping the flow of my life and they had to happen.  I beat myself up so often for decisions I have made which I felt were wrong.  Maybe they weren't wrong after all.  Maybe they needed to happen to my landscape.

Sorry for all the metaphors and deep posting.  I'm just feeling at a loss with so much of my life right now.  I like to control things, and I definitely don't feel in control right now. I can't seem to help my boy, I can't seem to help my husband, and I can't even help myself because what I really need is some sleep and de-stressing, which my little one is not great about letting me have. Gotta chalk this one up to God, He is getting me good.  Right where it hurts, in my control arena.  Take away my control and I am like a whiny toddler, demanding things from God.  

I know we all have areas we struggle.  But the take home message is this:

Jesus is enough and He doesn't change.  He is consistent and always there, no matter what changes we are going through. And sometimes, we should all do a little less thinking, and a lot more praying.  :-)